dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
