i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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