So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
it's not cheating when I paid for it
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I am naked and annoyed.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
