remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
