just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
