I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
