Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
