i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
