Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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