Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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