if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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