His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
