Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
