yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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