i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
