I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
