Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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