cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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