i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize