I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
