Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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