My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
