My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize