I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just googled if crying burns calories
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
