you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
