I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
my shit smells like andre
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Randomize
