Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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