Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
