You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
she told me i tasted like america
did i walk over a car last night?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
