My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
