My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
