I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
She's like a pop up book from hell.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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