The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
