If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize