my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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