shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Randomize
