My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
