I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize