youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
