Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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