Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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