And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
