these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
