oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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