Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Randomize
