Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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