I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
