So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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