i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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