i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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