I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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