if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
