I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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