she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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