Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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