Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
