I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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